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[12-3-09 at 11am] i'm insanely happy, trying not to die from cramps, and waiting for dettah to wake up so we can spend every possible second together. he got his date for basic. he leaves me february 2nd. :[ 01 • comment.

[11-8-09 at 3pm] "now we don't have to count, because forever is not a number" comment.

[11-4-09 at 12pm] Today is my liddle baby's birthday, and it makes me sad. I've known him since he was maybe 13, and I truly cannot accept the fact that he is now 21. It just seems like an insanely old age for him. I got him the first two Twilight books, because he is in fact gay, and I was SO embarrassed walking through the store with them, but it was worth it to hear him giggle like a school girl when he unwrapped them. I'm going to pick him up from work in a few hours so we can have dinner at Ichabod's, where it's Ladiessss Night!! Tomorrow we're going to Orlando for a few days. I'm so excited to hear the Spiderman rock music at Universal. You have no idea. And then saturday is our six month wedding anniversary. Since then, he's gotten another job, I've signed up for classes that I start in January :[[[ we got a demonic kitten, and we moved into our first house. But still, how has it been six months?! This November is just so unreal to me. 02 • comment.

[8-19-09 at 5am] dear stupid bitch who snorts coke and still manages to be fat, please find a way to stay out of my life. stop lurking things that have to do with me and/or my husband. you are not relevant. stop doing drugs. lose some weight. move on. 08 • comment.

[8-13-09 at 11am] "Eric Raymond Dino I really just want to be at home with my wife..." I miss my papa so much. Five more hours :[ comment.

[8-12-09 at 7am] When he blows me kisses as he's driving away, I hope he realizes that I always keep them with me the whole day. comment.

[8-10-09 at 10am] oh my. today has been an extremely long day. and it's only two. i've had about an hour of sleep, which i can thank bear, who has decided to join us in bed and lay on my feet, and oddie, who sleeps (literally) on my head while using all of my damn pillows, and eric, who has massive amounts of body heat,for. normally, i don't fall asleep until seven in the morning, and then i get up at around five or six and stay up until the next morning. it's not a healthy cycle. and it's not much fun. but my body like to make things real difficult for me, see? so anyways, i had to get up at six so i could leave by seven to take simsim to the vet. the poor baby hadn't had any water or food since the day before because he's getting neutered today, so he was letting out these heart wrenching mews that sounded just like a baby crying. it was awful. somehow, i was ready on time, and dettah was too! today is his first day of training at this call center that's forty minutes away but pays good, so he wants to take it even though he already has a job. why you may ask? for me! because he loves me! because he wants to buy me things that i don't need! like betsey johnson swimsuits and fast food three times a day! no really, when we walked out of the building after he got the job, he told me this. he picked me up and spun me around, and said all of those sweet things and made me cry. then he took me to lunch and insisted on sitting next to me in the booth (he does that a lot actually, because he likes being close, even when we're eating, awww). he was so affectionate and full of beautiful things to say, i thought he was going to snap and murder me on the way home. anyways! we took two cars to the vet and sat in our car for a minute holding sim, and he just sat in my arms and purred, something he hasn't done since he got over his kitty cold and turned into a pmsing bitch. then dettahlove and i went our separate ways and i drove back to cape coral to tan, which i swear they've been fucking with the timer and making it shorter. i went home and my mom left to watch the race at her friends so i've been by myself this whole time, which is really only a few hours. i don't know what to do. i'm usually asleep right now. i was starving but i convinced myself that i didn't have the energy to make anything, so i went to get a sub. i realized i needed gas and spent a good three minutes trying to open the gas flip thing. i could not figure that shit out. i used my nails, my credit card, a pen, but it would not budge. i thought there would be a lever in the front seat, but i couldn't find it, so i asked this lady for help and she was so sweet and didn't mind that i'm fucking nineteen years old and i don't know how to pump gas. i told her it was my husband's fault because who sends their wife out into this world without teaching her something so important? seriously. i went to publix (no subway. never.) and got a turkey, white american cheese, mayo and mustard on white bread sub. the only kind i'll ever eat. the cashier asked me how old i was and when i said nineteen, he didn't believe me. he said i was thirteen, so i said thirteen year olds can't get married and this started a whole new not believing me issue and it took me probably five minutes to pay for my sub, when all i wanted to do was get home and eat it. i was famished. then, i thought about how pissed eric will be with me when i tell him that i spent money on food when according to him, the peanutbutter and fruit cups that we have, ~in the house~, are enough. but i made sure to save him half so he can't get too mad. i have about forty minutes until i leave to get baby simsim. then i'm going to chelsea's mom's house to babysit her little brother. it'd be nice if eric didn't lose my phone so i could call her. i think she thinks i'm a terrible friend because i never call but the truth is that i hate talking on the phone. more than absoluetly anything. i do all of my communicating through text. birthday plans. lunch plans. wedding plans. i'd be fine with making funeral arrangements via text. for real. plus, i can't hear shit, so it just makes for a frustrating situation. but, would a bad friend remember that tomorrow is her daughter's first birthday? a whole entire year ago, princess madison was born. and i got to hold her when she wasn't even an entire day old. that will be me soon. letting people hold my baby. but i have to get pregnant first. and before that can happen, i have to track my cycle. and before that can happen, i have to have regular periods, not this once every four months but just in time for your wedding shit. just. no. i'm trying very hard to distract myself from the fact that eric's not here yelling or laughing insanely loud at the tv. or annoyingly playing his guitar to wake me up. or watching stupid youtube videos of people playing pranks, which make him laugh so hard, he fucking cries. i got him to watch an episode of dexter with me last night. he was asking all kinds of questions, so i know he liked it. don't lie. i just saw that he left me a comment on facebook "Your phone was in the backsseat!!! Sorry, I miss you, I wish I was home with you" and it's making me tear up. basically, if i'm having trouble with him being gone for seven hours, how will i survive him being at basic? 04 • comment.

[8-7-09 at 10pm] I am so proud of my husband. He is the most hard-working and responsible twenty year old you'll ever meet. And he reminds me on a daily basis that everything he does is for me. I'm exactly not sure why I'm so blessed to have such a beautiful constant in my life. His love for me leaves me speechless.

[8-4-09 at 9pm] WASHINGTON – Federal regulators on Tuesday added stronger warnings to a group of best-selling drugs used to treat arthritis and other inflammatory diseases, saying they can increase the risk of cancer in children and adolescents. After more than a year of review, Food and Drug Administration scientists said the drugs appear to increase the risk of cancer after they are used beyond 2 1/2 years. The agency studied several dozen reports of cancer in children taking the drugs, some of which were fatal. Half of the cases were lymphomas, a cancer that attacks the immune system. The drugs are known as tumor necrosis factor blockers and work by neutralizing a protein that, when overproduced, causes inflammation and damage to bones, cartilage and other tissue. The drugs are prescribed to children with rheumatoid arthritis, inflammatory bowel disorder and Crohn's disease. The FDA will bolster the "black box" warning on the five drugs sold in the U.S., including Abbott Laboratories' Humira, Johnson & Johnson's Remicade and Simponi, and Enbrel which is co-marketed by Amgen Inc. and Wyeth. All the products are multibillion-dollar sellers. Enbrel was the biggest moneymaker of the group with sales of $3.4 billion last year. (because it costs $4000 for a fucking three month supply) :D comment.

[8-3-09 at 10pm] "I have the most fun when we're laying on the floor laughing." This must be why he likes to roll aroud the whole living room and me, while singing "She's so lucky, she's a star..." and "Don't let me be the last to knowwww" comment.

[7-30-09 at 10pm] So, because of my being sick, I get free college. And free college supplies. Like expensive calculators, voice recorders, laptops, my very own personal human being to take notes for me, ect. All of which is paid for by the state. And, I can transfer to any college that I want to. I can go to FSU. And if I get tired of that, I can go to UF. And when we move out of state, I can go to any college that I want to there. This is all very exciting and pretty much the least the government can do seeing as I've been blessed with this fucking disease and they've made my medicine cost over $4000 a month and all, but I really don't want it. I'd much rather give this opportunity to Eric. I could see his mind turning when we learned about all of the things that are available to me. He's so smart, and he has a desire to learn. And I know that he could do anything that he put his mind to. He could achieve so much with this. And this is something that he actually wants, but might never get. And on the other hand, I really could care less about school. What I want for my life doesn't come from going to college. I really feel stupid and guilty because who the fuck complains about free school? 04 • comment.

[7-19-09 at 11pm] The minute I finished reading "Angela's Ashes", I made Eric promise me that if Frank McCourt was ever anywhere remotely near Florida, we would do whatever it took to see him just so I could bask in his presence. I feel uncomfortably empty now. Sweet dreams ya hoor. comment.

[7-4-09 at 7am] MY HERO AIN'T MOLEST THEM BITCH ASS KIDS "I haven't been compelled to blog in a long time. In an era where everybody is twittering and text-messaging their lives away, a well-thought out essay that extends past 140 characters is quickly becoming a thing of the past. But when our universe lost its brightest star on June 25, 2009, I felt a deep, overwhelming sadness that I haven't experienced in many years and I felt moved to say....something. My hero, Michael Joseph Jackson, is dead. Honestly I'm still trying to process it, almost like the loss of a much-loved family member. I mean, hell, to many of us Michael WAS family. Much like Nike, or Coca-Cola, or McDonalds, Michael Jackson wasn't so much a person as he was a living, breathing, American institution; a ubiquitous force that has seemingly existed forever and one that we couldn't imagine a world without. Seeing Michael onstage was less like watching a musician perform and more akin to witnessing a magician at work. But contrary to his otherworldly stage presence and magical aura, the man we called The King of Pop proved to be a mere mortal. And now my hero, Michael Joseph Jackson, is dead. What isn't dead, unfortunately, is the cloud of false accusations, unsubstantiated rumors, myths, slander, and outright lies that surround his life and his legacy. The greatest myth regarding Michael Jackson is that he was a pedophile who preyed on young children. It is my belief now, just as it was 16 years ago, that the charges brought against Michael during his 1993 sexual abuse case were false. The allegations made by Jordan Chandler (the accuser) and his father Evan Chandler always seemed suspect to me for a few reasons: 1. Ask the average parent whether they'd want justice or money for their abused child and more than likely they'd say justice, if for no other reason than to protect their child (and other children) from a future attack. The fact that Evan Chandler was willing to essentially let Michael off the hook for a few million (reportedly 2-3), made their case seem like a well-orchestrated extortion attempt. In regards to the case, Evan was later caught on tape saying, "If I go through with this, I win big time. There's no way I lose. I will get everything I want and they will be destroyed forever...Michael's career will be over." Notice that homeboy ain't mention jack shit about his son. So much for being a concerned father... 2. Generally when victims of abuse come out with allegations against someone, other victims come forward to corroborate their story (i.e. the Catholic Church scandal, where a few parties came forward and it later led to thousands). Very rarely do child molesters stop at just one kid, or even two for that matter. An alleged pedophile with only two accusers is kinda like an alleged serial killer with only one body. Or an alleged sneaker addict with only two pairs of Jordans in his closet. It just doesn't make any logical sense, nor does it coincide with the recurring psychological characteristics of most people who fall into those categories. In the case of Michael Jackson vs. the Chandler family, not a single corroborating witness could be found to help prosecute the case and after raids were conducted on several of Jackson's homes, no hard evidence of sexual abuse was gathered. Michael later settled the Chandler case out of court, not as an admission of guilt, but at the behest of his lawyers and financial advisors who warned him that a criminal trial could cost him millions of dollars in legal fees, as well as the loss of hundreds of millions in touring and endorsement revenue. With the Chandler case finally over, Michael continued to tour and released his greatest hits package “HIStory” in 1995. Ten years later though, he would face another trial that, in my opinion, would be the one to literally and figuratively, kill him. Martin Bashir’s heinous, Machiavellian documentary “Living With Michael Jackson” aired in 2003. It was in this documentary that Mike (albeit foolishly) talked about his fondness for sharing his bed with children, and was seen holding hands with a young boy. Shortly afterwards the young boy from the documentary, 13 year-old Gavin Arvizo (a cancer survivor who had all his medical bills paid for by Michael), accused him of sexual abuse. When Mike’s case against Arvizo hit airwaves in 2005, I must admit that I had my doubts. Much like the Chris Rock joke, I too shook my head in disbelief and said “ANOTHER kid!?! Mike, what the fuck?!! How could you be THAT stupid?!?!” As the case unraveled though, the financial motivations of the accuser’s family became much more apparent. Similar to the Chandler case from ‘93, the prosecution couldn’t produce any credible witnesses to corroborate Arvizo’s testimony against Michael. Many of the prosecution’s witnesses were either former employees of Michael who had financial disputes with him, or had criminal convictions themselves. Arvizo’s testimony contradicted previous statements he’d made to officials saying that nothing ever took place between him and Michael, and Arvizo’s mother Janet Arvizo, an eccentric woman with a prior conviction for welfare fraud, single-handedly killed the case with her flippant remarks on the witness stand and overall bizarre courtroom behavior. Actor Macaulay Culkin came forward in Michael’s defense and testified that no inappropriate behavior ever took place during their many times together, as did many other associates who had spent time at Neverland. Ultimately, Michael emerged from the Arvizo case with a Not Guilty verdict on all counts, but it proved to be a pyrrhic victory. The damage was already done. In the court of popular opinion, The King of Pop was an unrepentant child molestor. When defending Michael Jackson against his detractors, I am often asked if I would let one of my sons sleep over at his house. The answer is no. Shit, I wouldn't let my sons sleep over at YOUR house. But that doesn't make you a pedophile, it just makes me a concerned and protective dad who doesn’t leave his kids around people I personally don’t know well enough to trust. When it came to children, the only thing Michael was guilty of in my opinion, was naivete. While cuddling in the bed with children isn't technically illegal, it does violate several social norms; norms that a man who dresses funny, lives at an amusement park and refers to himself as “Peter Pan” would certainly pay a higher price for breaking. When I hear the tales of Michael laying in bed with those children, watching movies, tickling, and engaging in general horseplay, it sounds less like the work of a pedophile and more like the actions of a man trying to experience a childhood he never had. During his investigation for the Arvizo trial, Michael was examined by Dr. Stan Katz, a clinical psychologist who concluded that Michael didn’t fit the profile of a pedophile but instead that of a regressed 10 year old, an analysis which I agree with wholeheartedly. I mean after all, only a person with the simple, unsuspecting mind of a child could truly believe they could sleep in the same bed as their pre-pubescent buddies and not pay a price for it. Still, the most saddening myth surrounding Michael’s life is that he was ashamed to be Black. During the mid 80’s, in the midst of his ever-changing skin complexion and facial features, popular opinion in the Black community was that Mike was a sellout. This was an opinion that would unfortunately haunt him for the rest of his life, but a closer look reveals quite the opposite. As echoed by my man Scorpeze of the house music duo Windimoto in his excellent blog, Michael Jackson never tried to disown or separate himself from his Blackness at any point in his career. In fact, he was probably the most openly pro-Black pop entertainer of his time. Michael Jackson ashamed to be Black? I mean, this was the same guy who: -portrayed Black people as kings and queens in ancient Egypt ("Remember the Time" video) -called Tommy Mottola (his then label boss) a devil and a racist -sang "white man's gotta make a change" live on the Grammies in '88 -sang about a beautiful African woman in "Liberian Girl" -featured an African chant at the end of "Wanna Be Startin Somethin" -donated over $25 million to the United Negro College Fund -sang "I ain't scared of no sheets" in "Black or White" and upped the ante by morphing into a BLACK PANTHER at the video's end -wrote a song called "They Don't Really Care About Us," with a Spike Lee-directed video that featured prisoners raising the Black power fist -uhhh “We Are The World” and USA for Africa, anyone? What about this man wasn’t Black enough? Was it his battle with vitiligo and how it caused skin discoloration? Was it his excessive facial surgeries, due I’m sure in no small part to the teasing and ridicule he faced about his looks as a teenager? Why did we turn our collective backs on a man who always reminded us that he never forgot who he was, or more importantly, whose he was? This essay is my plea to all people who consider themselves a fan of Michael Jackson, but especially to Black people: Don't let them talk about our Brother. Don’t let his naysayers convict him of crimes that were never proven. Don't let people reduce the memory of one of our greatest heroes to that of a weird guy who wore a shiny glove and molested little boys. When Elvis Presley died, did the media remember him as an overweight, drug-abusing racist who dated a 14 year-old, or was he eulogized as The King of Rock and Roll? When Woody Allen dies, do you think the media will focus on the controversy behind him marrying his own stepdaughter, or on the films "Annie Hall" and "Manhattan" and how great they were? (Ditto for Jerry Lee Lewis, the rock and roll pioneer who married his 13-year old cousin.) When people accuse Michael of being a pedophile or a child molester, ask them to provide hard evidence. Ask them to provide an opinion rooted in fact, rather than one based on gossip, hearsay, and conjecture. Chances are, they won't be able to. The Black community has done a great disservice in not reciprocating the love that Michael Jackson showed us when he was alive. The least we can do in honoring his death is ensure that his legacy is remembered properly for future generations. Was Michael Jackson a weirdo? Of course he was a weirdo. But maybe if you had been in the public eye since you were 7, had grown ass women throwing themselves at you since you were 13, suffered physical abuse at the hands of your father, watched your father and older brothers engage in sex with groupies on tour as a child, were called "Big Nose" and "ugly" by both family members AND fans, developed a skin disease that took away the one thing you repeatedly expressed your pride for, and spent the last half of your life as the most famous person on Earth, you'd probably be a bit of a weirdo too. I am not attempting to paint Michael Jackson as a saint, as no man ever lives up to such a lofty title. But to me, the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished” seems to sum up Michael Jackson’s life more than ever. Why would people try to tear down a man who constantly used his power, money, and influence to help others? Why would people express such disgust and contempt for a man who constantly sang of love and peace, and used his talent to entertain, uplift, and inspire millions? Tell em that its human nature, I suppose... Rest in Peace, Brother Michael. I love and miss you dearly. Phonte" comment.

[6-12-09 at 1am] "There have been so many times that I've tried to tell you what I'm feeling, but nothing comes out. I've written you hundreds of letters about how much I need you, but I always felt like they would never do. I couldn't ever explain how much it means to me to know that your love is with me every minute of every day. I think that Brian Andreas figured it out when he said "I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand and the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow I wish I had a thousand words for love But all that comes to mind is the way that you move against me while you sleep and there are no words for that" The love that I have for you isn't going to be able to be expressed in words. It is too powerful for that. It is something that has taken over me completely. It has come to define me. It is what I am most proud of. I love you for your smile, your heart, your soul. I love all of the beautiful little pieces that are you, ( because they are what complete me. ) 018 • comment.

[4-15-09 at 1am] Sometimes, I am so filled with this intense love for everyone and everything, it's hard to not get overwhelmed. 03 • comment.

[4-1-09 at 2am] you complete me in every way. thank you for holding my hand tonight.

[3-27-09 at 8pm] I just tried my wedding dress on and I lovelovelove it. It's so perfect. I might cry.

[3-7-09 at 6pm] I promise, as long as you always carry Elliot Smith in your heart, your life will be beyond beautiful. 02 • comment.

[12-7-08 at 2pm] I sent Matt Nathanson a message AND HE READ IT!!!! sjhdfkhfkafhkadfh <333 04 • comment.

[12-6-08 at 8am] I watched Matt Nathanson last night. I was close enough to see him sweat. He is perfect. comment.

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